grapefruit juice

in the long list of do's and don'ts while on my first anti-psychotic medication

printed next to 'DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY' and

'MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS' read the words

'DO NOT CONSUME GRAPEFRUIT'

do not drink your happiness personified

do not indulge in the one fruit you aren't allergic to

do not flashback to the days of sugar and spoons and bowls on the couch watching cartoons and PBS

do not wash your sorrows in the bittersweet, ruby red glow of the sun

those words to me were sadder than the days I'd spent feigning sanity inside pastel prison

planning my escape into the arms of my former self

my true self

i obsessively researched 

the why

the cause

the how come i can't

does grapefruit release a hormone that makes love and reality obsolete?

does it cloud judgment?

does it water irrational creativity n' action

holdin' root in your brain?

grapefruit is not my first choice

but on the days when other juices sound like second class concentrate

taste like the easy way out

grapefruit makes me feel rebel

risperdal isn't synonymous with individual

free-thinking

me

two months and i stopped taking it

i wasn't sure how i'd operate in the world clear-eyed

when it was so scary before

but, sitting here

belly full of delicious childhood concoctions

glass full of forbidden fruit

i'm reminded that the cure for life's weight and 

its unexpected dark

is beautiful memories both made and remembered

*written while in Austin, Texas, and eating PB&J french toast :)