Snow Day

*freestyled while on the way to work, February 6.

I let the six-year-old me go out and play today.

She woke up to a wintry wonderland and though the snow hadn’t hardened enough to make cannonball, she was still able to make a pretty good splat on the concrete next to the stairs.

 I let the 21-year-old me come out and play today.

She woke up to a wintry wonderland. She opened all the blinds on her balcony and set a beautiful backdrop to dance to Michael Jackson with her girlfriend in the living room. She didn’t mind that instead, they just held each other and talked about when her seven-year-old self made her first snow angel with LaNell in the back of a trailer park.

I let the 30-year-old me come out and play today.

I let the 25-year-old me come out and play today.

She awoke to another end routine, X amount of hours before work. Read a book written by a man considered genius who considers himself a regular man. She ended her chapter where he described how he made his house into sanctuary, into safe space for budding musicians that eventually made up a family. They now call themselves the Soulquarians. She tried to hold back the tears, but they fell because all she’s ever wanted was a family of peers who will challenge her in the open. They would duel fight with their belief systems and cut each other with evidence. But it was ok, cause they were just kendo sticks and we’re just sparring together, readying for the next battle.

I let the nine-year-old me come out and play today.

She woke up to a wintry wonderland with enough fire and bristle in her toes that she just washes the dirt off of her reality. She balled up her fist and got all ready to fight Stephanie on the front steps of her apartment building but let the rage subside when she realized that her moon cycle had begun.

I went out to play today. There was snow and it was cold. But I laughed like God kept the machine going for me. I’ve never experienced a winter like this. I’m not completely mad at it. I just wish that I could always be as happy about the sunshine.

i have a son

I have a son
one apple-headed boy ready to run face first into any and everything if you fix your fingers to tickle
when he sleeps
his feet are in my back no matter how I reposition him
my girl packs us snacks and we listen to good Kanye West and drink Capri Suns like a bawse
I have two sons
another
long-limbed and thin who will talk your face off about Iron Man, Tron and Michael Jackson
the first time we met
he climbed into my lap like my arms will always be the safety net he needs
both boys
who can’t say my name
but I don’t mind little voices calling me Pwin-cess
either wanted to walk like me
or wear their hair like me
who both asked me
whether I was a boy or a girl
my first son
was a little boy we babysitted while his mother went to school and work
part-time parents
we taught him Kemet and ankh and
I can’t remember how old he is now
my second son
was born to a woman who loves like supernova explosions
he taught me discipline and patience and
his birth father will always have a say
what they don’t tell you about loving women
is that you will eventually love their kids
even if you’ve never had one
even if you don’t want one
even if you share no blood ties just
shoe ties too tired to sleep so you watch Finding Nemo til dawn
read him his favorite book til he memorizes every word and wants another next bedtime
combined
I’ve spent about two years with my son and it’s hard
not to feel like a deadbeat dad cause you can’t convince his real mother to let you visit
I see his face in the little boys who walk past
when me and her split
I heard him call my name echo in my brain but I can’t block it out
sometimes he appears in my dreams and he’s still holding my hand as we cross the street
still smiling full teeth
men who sow seeds and leave will always draw ire from me
what they don’t tell you about loving women with kids
Is that if you give it time
you will want to be both mother and father to this diamond precious jewel pillar
you will want to help carve a better man than your father so your life will gain meaning
your parenting instincts will kick in and you're ready to fight for a little kid
who will grow to love Raja cause in Aladdin
the princess leaves and that ain't no fairy tale
I have two sons
my biggest fear is that they will grow to be men who don't recognize me
who blame me for their mother's cold
young kings picky-eating, loud-talking, buckle-seating futures
who'll see me as another soul who chose the world over his mother and their home
who will think of me as "that one girl"
when my close friend got pregnant
I read pregnancy books and
learned to swaddle make bottles and promised to hand sew a blanket for my new son
I have to remind myself that
he is not my son
they are not my sons
breaking over the horizon with a new chance to be a parent again
in my head, I have two sons
growing up in a trap-door world
without my extra safety net

woman in turquoise

*this poem was birthed during a writing workshop from a Sherman Alexie prompt.

I don't know how much of myself would have been left when I got to work.
the weight was breaking me into breadcrumbs too few to get me back home
one ear bud in
one ear bud out
I saw her sitting to my right enough to catch the tune she was humming
feet on solid ground over Badu's Orange Moon
her aura felt like safe. she
sends me strength in messages that life is supposed to break you into
breadcrumbs. it's supposed to be
blind man cause the spirit will lead but all I see
is this beautiful woman in turquoise singing my heart's melody
and I can't stop staring
Whitney, the little girl in me
wants to lay my head in her lap and guide her fingers through my locs.
she's beauty in a way I've only seen in past lives
with full lips and bright auras
but I sit across from her on the train cause I don't wanna be rude
or weird.
she messages me that goddess will send me angels and messages when I am
ready to leave. I left a breadcrumb at
Mockingbird station. I cried white marks at White Rock
I watched my angel continue on at LBJ and thanked the gods
for her blessings
followed breadcrumbs to work and sometimes I see the same angel
at the station. I haven't broken into sugar since then
I want to tell her how she saved me that day
how her silent singing spoke so much peace into my being that
I floated through a Thursday like cloud
seven. I want to thank her but I figure
she'd have no idea what I'm talking about

Albuquerque, you're awesome!

Last week, I spent some time in Albuquerque, New Mexico sharing poems, buying souvenirs and eating great food. I was only scheduled to do two shows, but ended up featuring at two events, dropping in a radio show, recording a podcast, reading at a few open mics and leading a workshop! Whew!

All the thanks to Jessica Helen Lopez and Zachary Kluckman for having me out and being such awesome hosts.

You can take a listen to the podcast I did with Nick Furious right down there.



And take a look at some of the photos! Albuquerque has incredible graffiti. . . . . .awesome stores. . . and hidden gems. This is a picture of an interview with Allen Ginsberg printed in a small booklet in 1971. There aren't many copies anymore, but I encountered it thanks to John Crawford. Can't wait to go back!

Check me out on La Palabra!

This month, I will be featured on the web site La Palabra, which is a female writer's collective that highlights women doing incredible things. At the link you will find a video performance and two written poems, including one that was originally submitted as a cover letter (that liked it so much, they wanted it as a poem!) So take a look!

And while you're there, click around and check out the other women featured on their site. It's worth it. :)

the Tuesday I announced my tour

the cop sits in the middle of the street
I see her, but don't flinch
I wonder if she will bullseye the target on my car

in surburbia
the cops always follow a little too close
their grills smile "you will how high when I JUMP!"
but they pass

here
where the rich, middle and priviledged tightrope the edge of my neighborhood enough
for coffee and books
the cops play target practice

I am less than a mile from home and the cop
stops me before I can cross the light
there is no fear
her routine is familiar and so is mine
for me
I turn off my music cause you dare not sully the sweetness of this CD

I wonder if the woman under the uniform
chose cop over civilian to escape herself
her past
if she thinks the control she gained tastes better than
the misery she watches from the barrel of her cop car

she returns and tries to chastise a little girl into me
why are you driving?
the bus runs everywhere
correction: the bus runs everywhere you want me to be
ahem, I don't have money
you had money for gas
I don't have gas, look, see

her stance hardens
I realize to her
I am not a flying skeet-shooter plate on the descent
I am a carnival game
one duck in an endless row of targets she'll shoot over the side
I stop talking
wonder when she put a finger on the lid of the pot crabs can't push ajar
there's silence
I visibly agitate her cause
I'm not 'yes ma'am, thank you ma'am' her reprieve of not taking me to jail
the consolation prize of two tickets and a long goodbye to my car

ok
for her apathy I make her wait
take
every valuable to stuff in my bag
whisper blessings and prayers to the woman who got me this far
my car is just another girlfriend I didn't let go soon enough
I am only down
at the prospect of duck-walking my way home
slewfoot and shouldering a bag now double in weight

can someone take me home? I've got a bad knee.
you said you live close, right? you'll make it.

I'm going on tour! (revised)

Ok. So. Big news. *deep breath*

I'm going on tour!

It's my first one, and although it's a short one, I'm still super excited! In October, I'll be in:

Houston, TX - Super Happy Fun Land for Odd Thursdays October 3rd
Dallas, TX - Dallas Black Pride's "The Movement" event October 4th
Oklahoma City, OK - Saturday Afternoon Live! at the Paramount, OKC October 5th
Oklahoma City, OK - Open Mic Night at the Hubbly Bubble Hookah & Cafe October 7th
Oklahoma City, OK - Red Dirt Poetry Slam at Sauced on Paseo October 9th

Wooo. That's a lot. :) Thanks to Morgan Coleman Alexandra Marie for helping me set this all up. It goes all the way down next month.

More dates and events will be announced in the coming weeks. So come see me! :)

**UPDATE**

I'm having to edit this post because I'm added a ton of new shows to this tour, so Oklahoma City, I'll be all over you next week! And Dallas, we gon' have some fun.

Here are the new show dates:
10/ 4 - Dallas Black Pride Comedy show and Concert
10/ 5 - Saturday Afternoon Live! at the Paramount, OKC
10/ 7 - Open Mic Night at the Hubbly Bubble Hookah & Cafe 
10/ 8 - **NEW**Open Mic Night at Urban Roots  
10/ 9 - Red Dirt Poetry Slam at Sauced on Paseo 
10/ 10 - Cause.Life.Is.Too.Short Volume 2 at Michael's in Arlington 
10/ 13 - Spotlight Sundays with Masterpiece at 1011 Grill 
10/ 25 - F.L.O.W. at 1011 Grill 
10/ 26 - The Free Word radio show

AND, I'm releasing my first chapbook, Faith Move Muscles, this week. I'll have copies available at all my shows.

If you want more information about me, my shows or how to get merchandise, email me at princess.mcdowell@gmail.com or like my Facebook page.