Smoke signals

Our communication ain't great
Most times my brain cant send the right waves down the chain of phonetic command
& I say some shit I don't mean
So now
I just send smoke signals
Carefully veiled raging fires of emotions & desires manipulated by a blanket
Or quilt
Pieced together with screenshots & soundbites of our times together
Actual & perceived
Cause our memories are a mixed bag of red & white grapes with & without seeds
Some turned sour & some stayed sweet
In the space between me & you & the conjoined we
See it's the distance I feel when I sit quiet
Contemplative
Alone
Thinking about how much things have changed
Grown
When I looked myself in the mirror & turned to stone
Cold when you held out your heart for me to hold
See I'm no good with subtle declarations of love
When blame is all I keep thinking of
I had to adele my oceans of regret and set fire to the rain
Molded the clouds to say
Hey
My head is big
Full of thoughts that refrain I miss everything
Now my main impropriety is in my mind I've tried to put out the pain
But all that's made is more & more smoke signals from the flames
Sycamore forests of walls I burnt to the ground
To send cloudy messages past your bedroom window
Check the skies
I left a secret under the stars for you
The plumes are playing that one scene from that one movie about me & you
I know you'll recognize remember
Every night I watch replays of you in the moon
& chase clouds wondering if that one is mine
If it's from you
If it is what do I do?
How do I respond without sounding too uncool?
Hey
How are you?
Id like to see your face sometime soon
Was that too premature
Well fuck it I already released the fumes & then choked
It's no wonder we grow close under the marijuana smoke
We trade red-eyed stares & you place your fears in my lap
I swear
I'll close my eyes every time you lean close to give & take my breath away
Exchange toke for toke & let the smoke stand in my place
I'm sorry I missed your last message
I was staring at the sun
Reading the flares
Daring me to send you that tethered cloud
Suspended in the air above my single space
The one I've kept behind my back that reads I still love you
Some messages are harder to transmit
Or maybe it's just my inability to communicate
Lost self-confidence in my competency to facilitate something other than an argument
Or misunderstanding
A smoke signal is the most direct I can get
Wishing on stars that the clouds can do the talking
& tell you. . .

Pictures

The memories fall like morning mist
The images don't feel like hard rain anymore
akin to condensation off the pictures of you and me embraced
Your smiles held captive by the captions of things untyped and unsaid
You were always a hard read
But not in those pictures
Where you laid your soul beside me on our hotel bed of roses
No other softer
Regality not lost but expounded in your postures playful
Embraces I wished I never unfurled cause my body whimpers for your gentle press
Delicate caress
I digress in the tenderness of live action kisses we shared as recently as the last time I transported myself to a moment we indulged our instincts and senses
Sweet
Long or painfully brief
The pictures paint away the grief of reality
I'm a lover first
So I keep your pictures to flip through like leaves rustling in the wind
Or morning dew beaded on grass
Every turn is a whispered I miss you
I'm sure you can't hear
Melancholy are the sounds
Longing to reach into the past for the feeling
Of laughter between sheets
The heat of passionate thoughts restrained
Displayed in fingertip drawings on body parts
I digress
Often into the pictures of you and me embraced
Unlaced cause I wish I never unfurled my arms around your waist to let you go
The memories fall like morning mist
And gather in puddles at the end of my pen
At the corners of my eyes
My mouth
To fall no longer like hard rain
Single drops
Single shots
I took with a camera

clear skies

I told her the sky would be blue again tomorrow
Gathered by things tied to a string & walked toward an uncertain horizon
Our love had been reduced to the fickleness of weather forecasts
& life had my skies permanently cloudy
Even her sunshine couldn’t break through the pain of me being my own worst enemy
And when I made them partly cloudy
She was completely tired of the grey I wore on my face
And suggested space
Maybe then the clouds would dissipate
I would have no more rainy days
But fate
Or miscalculated predictions added fuel to a system already turning tightly
& if I woulda stayed around that lightning woulda struck mightly
Thrice on the same nightly
I didn’t want a hurricane so I packed up tightly
Went where the high and low pressure couldn’t meet for a fight
But she’s still calling me tonight
Wanting me to be that light that used to fertilize her dreams
Jumpstart everything but I can’t
We predicted this system & we agreed to ride it out
Through the rain, sleet, snow & dry nights
But I’ve felt too many cracks in my skin to continue to battle a sandstorm of circumstances
That’s why I’m changing direction
Even from where I stand I can see her clouds gathering
Torrential rains of her tears mix with the thunder of her sobs
Breaking up is a hard job but someone had to do it
If we were to ever see clear skies again
Catch a wind gust and fly again
Be the rainbow in my eyes again
Til all those good weather days are back again
I’m headed toward a bright horizon
Where I can see the blue hues of a clear sky
And a warmth of sunshine I won’t let fade
These fair weather days are hard to predict
But I’ll make it through

Red rose

she picked me
from a field of red roses
to be the flower of her dreams and desires
she grew me
in the softness of her bosom
she showed her love for me
with her two forefingers
caressed my stems ever so gently
til I knew that love
the day she handled me roughly
my thorns pricked her esteem til the blood ran
platelet I am not
multiple paper cuts totaled her anguish til she cut me
chlorophyll my life force is spilled
Off with my head
She shed a tear
And marveled a beauty still retained
Though ripped from the root
Without a stem to stand
Her plan for salvation
Everlasting life between glass and four walls
Framed
As a reminder that flowers
Though wild
Do transgress
But deserve
Redemption

pendulum swings

I chose my destiny in the womb
double knotted my umbilical cord around my feet upside down
my mother telling billy goat gruff stories of crossing bridges where trolls lie in wait
inspired me to premature birth
so I entered this world head first
head strong because I watched siblings get tied up with the foolishness of life
and come out dead on the other side
I swung
a pendulum hanging from a cloud three less that nine
childhood I was easily swayed
side to side because when your parents are divorced there is no in between
considered Christianity because crosses looked just like me
crucified upside down to die for this world’s sins
I convinced myself that I would be the one to right it
be its savior
cut through injustice and be worshipped as god
but I couldn’t touch the ground
lacked simplicity
doomed to be misunderstood because I don’t walk the same path
no I don’t walk
and my words hit ears like classics played backwards
bittersweet symphonies
love came as divine as kinetic energy
two superheroes beautifully flawed
we share Spiderman kisses of passion
in between missed opportunities and late-night calls from destiny
those days I remember that
23 years ago I tied a rope around my ankles
and christened myself with this burden
karma isn’t the bitch once you realize the definition of karma
so now I do more hanging than swinging
at night blood sleeps cozy in the cradle of my cranium
but it doesn’t make me crazy
it makes me
and I’ve made peace with that

abstract art

placed in a 5 x 2 inch frame i was hung on a wall
to be filed past & examined
touched with dirty child fingerprints
a topic of conversation more passing fad than necessity
pieces of dried macaroni & tattered & faded denim Elmer glued on construction paper
i was a work of art
the proclaimed masterpiece finished by an adolescent artist
put on display for the world to see
until curators made room for the next
the evolution from finger paintings to dali paintings
melted time clocks dripping with thick clops of watercolors
made streaks of blues & maroons
puddles of indescribable nothings passed off as beautiful
holidays were field trips & this traveling exhibit
opened eyes to new forms of expressions
visually sturdy collages of magazine pages
paper mache'd the way of the world
graffiti spray paint of skateboards & black fisted rebel on project brick walls
sepia charcoal smudged to smear the pain of living in a 360 degree frame
yes society loves works of art
group tickets sell by the family tree
cause from every evergreen hangs the black sheep
nail gunned to branches & admission is free
to be analyzed
draw conclusions with washable markers on the back
bid on the pieces you really desire
as others flow down the waters of forgotten memories
i am the writing on the wall
misinterpreted for the masses
because finding the truth is like an abstract picture
who wants explanation
when you can just call it abstract

boxing ring

more than walls separate us
mix in some space and opportunity
we graduated from school yard bullying
wet willies & swirlies to full on fisticuffs
started picking housing floor plans that looked more like boxing rings
and in this corner, i stood
looking at her bedroom door
holding up my guard
i knew when i heard the entrance theme music of catty conversations filled with insinuation
the beat down would begin
turn my mother into another
friend to sugar ray robinson george foreman
swinging big bear punches with such authority
that it'd knock my self-esteem to its knees
hit you so hard you'll future girlfriends will feel it
at night, we'd retreat to neutral corners
had the dignity to fight in designated areas
to come out swinging between the bells & buzzes of alarm clocks
and the days when she'd slip barbed wire bricks in her gloves
i took the hit
because she knew pork chops & rib eyes would heal
bruises & black eyes on my ego
let pens be the vaseline over my swollen jaw
punk, heavy metal be my ace bandage
wrapping my emotion & hurt with white voices
suffocating my own breath
as peace offerings we sacrificed out tongues because
mediation led to confusion for one and happiness for none
cause she can't understand my sentiments clearly
letters could never deliver the message directly or on time
mostly i kept my shit in my mind
& let the walls talk to me
put my head in the stucco white clouds
cause i knew clowns & unicorns would always be there like best friends
cause my mother would rather box me
than love me