letter to my unborn child

I never wanted to be a statistic
Teenage mom
Baby raising baby
So I waited until I was 19 til I said yes &
I can still remember
Sitting on the edge of my bed waiting on the results
Like waiting in the doctors office
My mind was already made up
I'm sorry
But back then
You weren't gonna make it
Some days I wish you did
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the anxiety of living for just myself
I never daydreamed about weddings
Or played with dolls
I woulda dropped my baby brother
had they not told me to cradle him like a football
I did have your name picked out
Boy or girl
Little Maya Anissa
I long to feel you press your feet against my stomach
Scribble nursery rhymes on my rib cage
I had plans for you
We were gonna find a donor
Natural birth
Then adopt
But plans tend to crumble before they reach my fingertips
I never wanted you to enter a situation where you would need
Or want
And I couldn't provide
I guess I overplan
Maybe I would have been better off running recklessly into a future I wasn't ready for
Maybe then I would cherish my mistakes more and
Learn not to be so hard on myself
Little Andre Donovan
I wonder which of my features you will evolve into your own
Will your skin darken as you get older
Will you inherit my need to love
And save
There are people already waiting for you
An extended family of nieces and nephews
A grandmother who would be elated to have you
I dont know what to say
Lately she's stopped asking and I
Haven't sat in a bedroom waiting room hoping to turn a negative to a positive
I'm sure you wouldn't call it luck
Or coincidence but i never thought at 26
I wouldn't have you
Or anything tangible to leave this earth
Every day that passes I start to believe that we'll never meet
That you'll never hear this letter
That I've missed out on the many ways we could grow together
I havent given up hope
I've just
I read a statistic that said the more education a woman has
The less children she will bear
I guess everybody's a number