3/17/14

grapefruit juice

in the long list of do's and don'ts while on my first anti-psychotic medication
printed next to 'DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY' and
'MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS' read the words
'DO NOT CONSUME GRAPEFRUIT'

do not drink your happiness personified
do not indulge in the one fruit you aren't allergic to
do not flashback to the days of sugar and spoons and bowls on the couch watching cartoons and PBS
do not wash your sorrows in the bittersweet, ruby red glow of the sun

those words to me were sadder than the days I'd spent feigning sanity inside pastel prison
planning my escape into the arms of my former self
my true self

i obsessively researched 
the why
the cause
the how come i can't
does grapefruit release a hormone that makes love and reality obsolete?
does it cloud judgment?
does it water irrational creativity n' action
holdin' root in your brain?

grapefruit is not my first choice
but on the days when other juices sound like second class concentrate
taste like the easy way out
grapefruit makes me feel rebel
risperdal isn't synonymous with individual
free-thinking
me

two months and i stopped taking it
i wasn't sure how i'd operate in the world clear-eyed
when it was so scary before
but, sitting here
belly full of delicious childhood concoctions
glass full of forbidden fruit
i'm reminded that the cure for life's weight and 
its unexpected dark
is beautiful memories both made and remembered

*written while in Austin, Texas, and eating PB&J french toast :)