throwing glances

every time we fight
I pack a bag to sleep outside your front step
as a sincere apology
I don't expect you to open the door
but I'll throw glances at your window sill
hoping you'll hear me trying to reconcile
from my makeshift pile on the concrete
its not the most romantic thing I've ever done
I once politely accosted a grocery store florist
for her freshest roses to give on a first date
I wanted to make a good impression
I once packed a camera to record a night
I believed would be unforgettable & it was
it still is
though its cold outside
& my last piece of warmth gave out when I felt you
roll over & put your back to my light
I'm still here
throwing glances at your window sill
one night
I swore I saw you smiling well wishes
& retelling tales of forever with another at the helm
it wasn't quite Julia Gulia
but the smile convinced me that I didn't originate it
I walked away into the dusk dragging my pride by a string
its not the most courageous thing I've done
but I think me here
laying on this makeshift pile that is my bed
this concrete slab that is every place I don't lay my head beside yours
writing this poem
throwing glances at your window sill is pretty brave
pretty courageous
It's not something I would normally do
but I felt somewhere that love cannot exist alongside fear
that love is not supposed to be easy
that when you really love someone you take the punches
even risk getting knocked out
locked out cold
for chances to do more romantic things
make more unforgettable memories like the one you're thinking of right now
I'll sleep here until you open the door
through rain
& cold
til the waiting gets old & my mind says I should go
but my heart whispers
no
do something courageous

Orange butterfly

*for Karina (sp)*

in the corner she sat
watching a caterpillar from inside her cocoon
fascinated
17 her life had always been lived in the fast lane
never takin' the time to just coast
everybody saw her as misguided and misplaced
on the outside men saw fresh opportunity
police saw probable cause
i went to sit next to her
to talk about trees and leaving
no agenda to give her what she needed
but quickly i saw the irony in her current state of being
she laid out the cards she'd been dealt
like jailhouse bicycle written on pieces of milk cartons
life had been cruel
but not unusual
fragments of her mother
no semblance of a father
forced to learn to fly like baby birds kicked from nests early
but through less than 20/20 eyes i saw
a butterfly
orange monarch hugging close were her wings
a future matriarch shining star blinking sos signals
with her red eyes and tears
when i told her her past and present cause i understand
relate
the only love you feel is that which you give away
and searching for self when the people you loved have already found their place
knowing that there's a better life
but seeing is believing is mimicing the achievements of your peers
so she flew high with pigeons
getting by on her beauty
til she snatched the attention of a guy who lived his life in the G formation
fights over miscommunication
but never confused that she was the ultimate ride or die
on the inside so much
that it didn't seem surreal
the clang of closed steel doors
coveting toiletries and sharing embellished stories
but this caterpillar
crawling on the sill of a multi-paned window
had taken her back to a time when she carried innocence like security blankets
she told me of all the women
she was coming to find me
under a shade tree
or riding silently on the train
mama i hope you do
glide on a breeze and land on my shoulder
with orange wings spread wide
cause you deserve to leave this cocoon behind
its tough love like heavy hands too familiar for my tastes you need to unacquire
don't be afraid to retire all that's keeping you from soaring higher
life is much more than nuck-if-you-buck dances on street corners
its your time to shine
spy something more with those beautiful eyes
butterfly its time to fly
and leave this jailhouse behind

Stillness

My emotions are still like untouched water
No ripples
No waves
though I hold the memory of them crashing against the rocks I do not falter
Or waver
I be still
Like cloudy mornings
Solid white
Consistent
Strong like trees
This world works to shake your branches
Tear at your roots
But you must stand
Tall
Majestic
See life through the stillness
And be unmoved
They told you
They show you
That you must go with the current of the river
Whatever pace it carries
But those swimmers surely drowned under the weight and pull
Or lost themselves in the crowd
You must be still and find that place of strength within the chaos
It's there
Waiting for you to come home

Corner nightmares

She sits in a corner waiting
On the angry mob approaching
They want her dead
Drag her by her feet
Tie to a dead tree trunk
And light the fire between her toes
She clutches a knife in her right hand
The blade is sharp
The handle is tight gripped
She can hear their jeers
She sits in a corner waiting
Pressing hard the space between her back and two white walls
They want her life
Torches and pitchforks snatch her body
Lifted above the crowd to hang
By her throat
She wraps her left arm around her shins and pulls her knees to her chest
The ball is not small enough
She sits in a corner waiting
As the angry mob descends
They want her blood
Towering above they look down and sneer
Appease she
Cuts deep into her skin
Arms
Thighs
Muscles give under the blade
The blood veins off
Puddles at her feet and where she sits
The angry mob
Is not there
Never there
But the blood
stains
She sits in a corner waiting
For the chaos to end

Legacy in blue

He left a legacy in blue
In the 3800 block of neverwhere
Everywhere, USA there
Broad-stroked, left-tilted and askew
He wrote single-syllabled truths and painted his feelings upside down
For you
He lives and breathes a life predicated on the new
premeditated
He was a rolling stone papa who birthed children behind dumpsters and fornicated on brick walls
He spread his seed all over the city
The word he two-fisted on the side of that railcar
Still lives to this day
Eternal
That is his crowning achievement
His little piece of anarchy spelled with block letters
And whispered across canvas like street soliloquy
On his good days
He loves the colors bleeding into each other
Like greens reaching for purples hand and
Gold grabbing red around the waist
He may seal them with a thick black line but he calls it
Painting yourself free
The word is humility
He spray paints when he's up high down low
Self portraits full of black and grey sorrow
Or affirmations as translucent as a streetlights yellow and white electricity
He doesn't like the color orange
Something about questioning the perfection of the sun
So he watches the clouds of people for inspiration for new colors and testaments
He followed a womans sway for 26 minutes because he couldn't decide if she was teal blue twinkle
Or cherry red enchantment
So he created them both with hazelnut accents
Graffiti is not what he does
It is what he sees and what everything has become
Behind his teardrop eyes he reigns over the streets he roams
The word is breathe
He cuts out pieces of his vision and finger paints it into forever
The word is essence
He swallows experience and dribbles out the regurgitated remains
The word is enlighten
in black
Confess in lime green
Absolve in indigo
Legacies in blue
He left a legacy
In you

Darkness of reality

I've seen the darkness of reality
It's haunted me like bad dreams I can't remember
Can't utter
The truth
Is a knot in my throat I swallowed a long time ago
I have to spit more than just poetry for it to reach the surface
bright like sunshine
Kinda like what I saw in her eyes the first time we laid as husband and wife
And promised to save her from this reality
But ive never been able to outrun my demons
They nip at my heels round every corner
The past will catch up to you
Will you be able to handle it?
when you come face to face with yourself and know you have to make a change
Have to make a choice
Save yourself
Save the world
Fight for fame
Fight for life
Where is the love in the wake of two broken hearts
My father asked what will you hold onto when you're alone in the dark
What will anchor your struggles
What will keep you alive
Feed your will to survive
My reply
Sunshine
Blue skies
The innocence of a child
The ability to change lives with a simple gesture
Love
Will make you stand in a doorway darkened by your own shadow
And ask for another chance to get whatever it is right
What this is right
Hope
Will make you run as fast as your body can take you for a chance to confess your sins and ask for forgiveness
Faith
Will make you believe in fairy tales when you've never seen one come true
In real life
Princes leave behind the damsel they love when the shine
The luster of that first kiss has worn off
Princesses cry tears of sorrow when another so-called Prince turned pauper called charming
Fails to rescue her from her tower
Her prison
Her dungeon
This life that she's stuck in
Reality is bleakest when you live it alone
Without love without trust without faith
Without God
Shackled to a fate worse than death its the walking dead alive and kicking
My ass at every turn
They could smell the fear but no more
I saw so much of myself in her that I fought to keep a connection while watching it slowly fade
You see, she wanted what i couldn't give
And when I tried
To fix what I had broken the pieces were scattered so far
Where did the shatter fall?
Where did the cracking start?
The latter is all I can comprehend cause I broke another heart
My own and hers
All because I couldn't come face to face with what I'd done
Who I was
I held on
Til I choked the love out of her
And she died alone
And I died alone
Tossing and turning in my bed haunted by dreams I can clearly remember
Because they weren't dreams
It was the darkness of what I'd done
Killed something almost as precious as life
Love
Why?
Confession?
Fear the size of a mustard seed can change around your whole reality
believe that up is down
Pull your feet opposite of gravity
What will you believe?
What will you achieve?
When faced with a black face with no features whispering nightmares above your screams
That those thoughts you have
On both ends of the spectrum are both true
Are both you and now you've got to make a choice
It's either them or you
How do you choose?
Do you win
Or do you lose?

Smoke signals

Our communication ain't great
Most times my brain cant send the right waves down the chain of phonetic command
& I say some shit I don't mean
So now
I just send smoke signals
Carefully veiled raging fires of emotions & desires manipulated by a blanket
Or quilt
Pieced together with screenshots & soundbites of our times together
Actual & perceived
Cause our memories are a mixed bag of red & white grapes with & without seeds
Some turned sour & some stayed sweet
In the space between me & you & the conjoined we
See it's the distance I feel when I sit quiet
Contemplative
Alone
Thinking about how much things have changed
Grown
When I looked myself in the mirror & turned to stone
Cold when you held out your heart for me to hold
See I'm no good with subtle declarations of love
When blame is all I keep thinking of
I had to adele my oceans of regret and set fire to the rain
Molded the clouds to say
Hey
My head is big
Full of thoughts that refrain I miss everything
Now my main impropriety is in my mind I've tried to put out the pain
But all that's made is more & more smoke signals from the flames
Sycamore forests of walls I burnt to the ground
To send cloudy messages past your bedroom window
Check the skies
I left a secret under the stars for you
The plumes are playing that one scene from that one movie about me & you
I know you'll recognize remember
Every night I watch replays of you in the moon
& chase clouds wondering if that one is mine
If it's from you
If it is what do I do?
How do I respond without sounding too uncool?
Hey
How are you?
Id like to see your face sometime soon
Was that too premature
Well fuck it I already released the fumes & then choked
It's no wonder we grow close under the marijuana smoke
We trade red-eyed stares & you place your fears in my lap
I swear
I'll close my eyes every time you lean close to give & take my breath away
Exchange toke for toke & let the smoke stand in my place
I'm sorry I missed your last message
I was staring at the sun
Reading the flares
Daring me to send you that tethered cloud
Suspended in the air above my single space
The one I've kept behind my back that reads I still love you
Some messages are harder to transmit
Or maybe it's just my inability to communicate
Lost self-confidence in my competency to facilitate something other than an argument
Or misunderstanding
A smoke signal is the most direct I can get
Wishing on stars that the clouds can do the talking
& tell you. . .