I have yet to make peace with the singularity of life
That you are born alone
That you will die alone
The in between we spend filling the empty spaces to our left
Maybe that's why we mark our skin in remembrance of people we never wanted to leave
Why we adopt past strangers as kin
As brothers and sisters
Though their connection to us is just live action well wishes in my senior book
I stayed sweet
I never forgot you
There is an empty space on my right I hold dear
Potential lovers weave in and out hoping to find a home there
They nestle themselves in the crook of my neck praying the fit feels as good to me
As it does to them
I stare at it unoccupied
Fill it with my dry tears and sorrows
Longing, while I cross the finish line of my dreams
Into the outstretched arms of nothing but yellow tape
Every picture I take
Behind my eyes I see a little girl screaming through the door of her bedroom
Crying into her two-player games
I don't like pictures that show my face
The windows don't stay closed
My eyelids, eyelashes are not blinds
They constantly outline the voids once filled by you
Now chalklines I stuff with my memories and working too much and stretching myself too thin
I know that eventually it will all be ok
I will come home to an empty bed and not pile high my stresses just to avoid two cold pillows
The empty voicemail boxes and unanswered text messages will not feel like so much rejection
I will find peace in the silence
The solace
But today the loneliness wraps around me like an unwanted touch
Survives as a parasite on my happiness
Poison
It is always there
And I always feel it
11/19/12
Untitled
11/17/12
VIDEO: Music
11/16/12
Poetic Update
Writing to give you an update on my poetry since I haven't posted a poem in a while.
1 - I DO HAVE new poems, however, I can't decide which pieces I would like to post, since some I'd like to keep in the vault until the release of my second CD, release date pending, ;)
2 - I know that some of you not the DFW area would like a copy of my first CD, Not A Storybook <3 p="p"> 3 - If you'd like to keep up with any of the shows that I do in the area, feel free to email me at princess.mcdowell@gmail.com, and I'll give you all the details!
Until next time. . .
10/26/12
VIDEO: Armored
9/14/12
Album Now Available!
I've been hard at work, doing shows and hitting the studio, and now I'm proud to announce that my first CD of poetry is available. Not A Storybook <3 features 15 of my poems chronicling my journey through life. Its just me - all acapella - and has previously unheard/unposted pieces! I'm keeping it underground for the most part so if you want a copy, email me at princess.mcdowell@gmail.com, and we can work something out. $5 for my innermost secrets ;) again thanks for all the love and support. I really appreciate it!
9/9/12
Little slices of joy
Love appreciates little slices of joy
And dreams are best shared in pairs
Combined create moments of delicious affirmation like
Today
A here and a now as we lay on the floor of our own little home
Together but apart
Doing our own thing
Her reading
Me dreaming of a future where life is no more complicated than daily creative expression
A j and some nachos
I'm her Kanye West Lupe Fiasco
Underground knowledge with mainstream appeal
Her check yaself attitude and humility keep me real
Dreams
maybe I keep it simple and work to make life easy
Low profiles and high morals values ethics
Zest for life three kids and a vacation home
Or I could don my superhero cape and save the world
One mechanical pencil at a time
And bring home customized bookmarks to the only woman whose left dimple
And smile twinkle team up for a binary of cuteness
The likes of which your face has never seen
Little things
When she wraps her arms around me and drags that chill up my spine
Like dragging a hooked fish with nothing but her toe
Horizontal or vertical our lines are parallel
We have frequent bouts of teenage love affair
Its a matter of extreme importance
Freeing up my future to live in the here and now
With her
For moments like
Saturday
When i couldn't tell if it was her high or mine
But I swear her eyes were as pink as the Hello Kitty merchandise she bats her lashes to get me to buy
Tracing the outline of her profile in sunlight
Or candlelight
She's perfection wrapping in sensual intelligence
She turns me on whenever she parts her lips to speak
Or lick top and bottom like there's different flavors
gobstopping my thought process
And as I run my finger along the inside of her panty line
Nothing could be more enjoyable than this little slice of joy
Laying on my back
Looking up at the ceiling connecting the dots to paint pictures of laying on the floor of different rooms
some with ocean views
Others with exposed brick to accentuate that this home
And this love
Was built brick by brick
That every one was once a here and a now
A slice of joy
A dream painted the color of her smile
Reality is
I'd gladly live life by your side if it meant when I'm 65
Grey haired and still lanky
That we could lay on the floor and get high
Touch the earth at the same time
That same twinkle in your smile
Your same thigh pressed to mine
That makes me feel like I could fly
Or at least glide
Down to a soft landing that is this love
See its the little things
Like soft landings and shared dreams
Slices of joy and reality
that let me know that loving you
With my whole being
Will taste nothing short
Of delicious affirmation
8/4/12
letter to my unborn child
Teenage mom
Baby raising baby
So I waited until I was 19 til I said yes &
I can still remember
Sitting on the edge of my bed waiting on the results
Like waiting in the doctors office
My mind was already made up
I'm sorry
But back then
You weren't gonna make it
Some days I wish you did
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the anxiety of living for just myself
I never daydreamed about weddings
Or played with dolls
I woulda dropped my baby brother
had they not told me to cradle him like a football
I did have your name picked out
Boy or girl
Little Maya Anissa
I long to feel you press your feet against my stomach
Scribble nursery rhymes on my rib cage
I had plans for you
We were gonna find a donor
Natural birth
Then adopt
But plans tend to crumble before they reach my fingertips
I never wanted you to enter a situation where you would need
Or want
And I couldn't provide
I guess I overplan
Maybe I would have been better off running recklessly into a future I wasn't ready for
Maybe then I would cherish my mistakes more and
Learn not to be so hard on myself
Little Andre Donovan
I wonder which of my features you will evolve into your own
Will your skin darken as you get older
Will you inherit my need to love
And save
There are people already waiting for you
An extended family of nieces and nephews
A grandmother who would be elated to have you
I dont know what to say
Lately she's stopped asking and I
Haven't sat in a bedroom waiting room hoping to turn a negative to a positive
I'm sure you wouldn't call it luck
Or coincidence but i never thought at 26
I wouldn't have you
Or anything tangible to leave this earth
Every day that passes I start to believe that we'll never meet
That you'll never hear this letter
That I've missed out on the many ways we could grow together
I havent given up hope
I've just
I read a statistic that said the more education a woman has
The less children she will bear
I guess everybody's a number
7/31/12
throwing glances
I pack a bag to sleep outside your front step
as a sincere apology
I don't expect you to open the door
but I'll throw glances at your window sill
hoping you'll hear me trying to reconcile
from my makeshift pile on the concrete
its not the most romantic thing I've ever done
I once politely accosted a grocery store florist
for her freshest roses to give on a first date
I wanted to make a good impression
I once packed a camera to record a night
I believed would be unforgettable & it was
it still is
though its cold outside
& my last piece of warmth gave out when I felt you
roll over & put your back to my light
I'm still here
throwing glances at your window sill
one night
I swore I saw you smiling well wishes
& retelling tales of forever with another at the helm
it wasn't quite Julia Gulia
but the smile convinced me that I didn't originate it
I walked away into the dusk dragging my pride by a string
its not the most courageous thing I've done
but I think me here
laying on this makeshift pile that is my bed
this concrete slab that is every place I don't lay my head beside yours
writing this poem
throwing glances at your window sill is pretty brave
pretty courageous
It's not something I would normally do
but I felt somewhere that love cannot exist alongside fear
that love is not supposed to be easy
that when you really love someone you take the punches
even risk getting knocked out
locked out cold
for chances to do more romantic things
make more unforgettable memories like the one you're thinking of right now
I'll sleep here until you open the door
through rain
& cold
til the waiting gets old & my mind says I should go
but my heart whispers
no
do something courageous
6/29/12
Orange butterfly
in the corner she sat
watching a caterpillar from inside her cocoon
fascinated
17 her life had always been lived in the fast lane
never takin' the time to just coast
everybody saw her as misguided and misplaced
on the outside men saw fresh opportunity
police saw probable cause
i went to sit next to her
to talk about trees and leaving
no agenda to give her what she needed
but quickly i saw the irony in her current state of being
she laid out the cards she'd been dealt
like jailhouse bicycle written on pieces of milk cartons
life had been cruel
but not unusual
fragments of her mother
no semblance of a father
forced to learn to fly like baby birds kicked from nests early
but through less than 20/20 eyes i saw
a butterfly
orange monarch hugging close were her wings
a future matriarch shining star blinking sos signals
with her red eyes and tears
when i told her her past and present cause i understand
relate
the only love you feel is that which you give away
and searching for self when the people you loved have already found their place
knowing that there's a better life
but seeing is believing is mimicing the achievements of your peers
so she flew high with pigeons
getting by on her beauty
til she snatched the attention of a guy who lived his life in the G formation
fights over miscommunication
but never confused that she was the ultimate ride or die
on the inside so much
that it didn't seem surreal
the clang of closed steel doors
coveting toiletries and sharing embellished stories
but this caterpillar
crawling on the sill of a multi-paned window
had taken her back to a time when she carried innocence like security blankets
she told me of all the women
she was coming to find me
under a shade tree
or riding silently on the train
mama i hope you do
glide on a breeze and land on my shoulder
with orange wings spread wide
cause you deserve to leave this cocoon behind
its tough love like heavy hands too familiar for my tastes you need to unacquire
don't be afraid to retire all that's keeping you from soaring higher
life is much more than nuck-if-you-buck dances on street corners
its your time to shine
spy something more with those beautiful eyes
butterfly its time to fly
and leave this jailhouse behind
6/8/12
Stillness
My emotions are still like untouched water
No ripples
No waves
though I hold the memory of them crashing against the rocks I do not falter
Or waver
I be still
Like cloudy mornings
Solid white
Consistent
Strong like trees
This world works to shake your branches
Tear at your roots
But you must stand
Tall
Majestic
See life through the stillness
And be unmoved
They told you
They show you
That you must go with the current of the river
Whatever pace it carries
But those swimmers surely drowned under the weight and pull
Or lost themselves in the crowd
You must be still and find that place of strength within the chaos
It's there
Waiting for you to come home
6/4/12
Corner nightmares
She sits in a corner waiting
On the angry mob approaching
They want her dead
Drag her by her feet
Tie to a dead tree trunk
And light the fire between her toes
She clutches a knife in her right hand
The blade is sharp
The handle is tight gripped
She can hear their jeers
She sits in a corner waiting
Pressing hard the space between her back and two white walls
They want her life
Torches and pitchforks snatch her body
Lifted above the crowd to hang
By her throat
She wraps her left arm around her shins and pulls her knees to her chest
The ball is not small enough
She sits in a corner waiting
As the angry mob descends
They want her blood
Towering above they look down and sneer
Appease she
Cuts deep into her skin
Arms
Thighs
Muscles give under the blade
The blood veins off
Puddles at her feet and where she sits
The angry mob
Is not there
Never there
But the blood
stains
She sits in a corner waiting
For the chaos to end
Legacy in blue
He left a legacy in blue
In the 3800 block of neverwhere
Everywhere, USA there
Broad-stroked, left-tilted and askew
He wrote single-syllabled truths and painted his feelings upside down
For you
He lives and breathes a life predicated on the new
premeditated
He was a rolling stone papa who birthed children behind dumpsters and fornicated on brick walls
He spread his seed all over the city
The word he two-fisted on the side of that railcar
Still lives to this day
Eternal
That is his crowning achievement
His little piece of anarchy spelled with block letters
And whispered across canvas like street soliloquy
On his good days
He loves the colors bleeding into each other
Like greens reaching for purples hand and
Gold grabbing red around the waist
He may seal them with a thick black line but he calls it
Painting yourself free
The word is humility
He spray paints when he's up high down low
Self portraits full of black and grey sorrow
Or affirmations as translucent as a streetlights yellow and white electricity
He doesn't like the color orange
Something about questioning the perfection of the sun
So he watches the clouds of people for inspiration for new colors and testaments
He followed a womans sway for 26 minutes because he couldn't decide if she was teal blue twinkle
Or cherry red enchantment
So he created them both with hazelnut accents
Graffiti is not what he does
It is what he sees and what everything has become
Behind his teardrop eyes he reigns over the streets he roams
The word is breathe
He cuts out pieces of his vision and finger paints it into forever
The word is essence
He swallows experience and dribbles out the regurgitated remains
The word is enlighten
in black
Confess in lime green
Absolve in indigo
Legacies in blue
He left a legacy
In you
Darkness of reality
I've seen the darkness of reality
It's haunted me like bad dreams I can't remember
Can't utter
The truth
Is a knot in my throat I swallowed a long time ago
I have to spit more than just poetry for it to reach the surface
bright like sunshine
Kinda like what I saw in her eyes the first time we laid as husband and wife
And promised to save her from this reality
But ive never been able to outrun my demons
They nip at my heels round every corner
The past will catch up to you
Will you be able to handle it?
when you come face to face with yourself and know you have to make a change
Have to make a choice
Save yourself
Save the world
Fight for fame
Fight for life
Where is the love in the wake of two broken hearts
My father asked what will you hold onto when you're alone in the dark
What will anchor your struggles
What will keep you alive
Feed your will to survive
My reply
Sunshine
Blue skies
The innocence of a child
The ability to change lives with a simple gesture
Love
Will make you stand in a doorway darkened by your own shadow
And ask for another chance to get whatever it is right
What this is right
Hope
Will make you run as fast as your body can take you for a chance to confess your sins and ask for forgiveness
Faith
Will make you believe in fairy tales when you've never seen one come true
In real life
Princes leave behind the damsel they love when the shine
The luster of that first kiss has worn off
Princesses cry tears of sorrow when another so-called Prince turned pauper called charming
Fails to rescue her from her tower
Her prison
Her dungeon
This life that she's stuck in
Reality is bleakest when you live it alone
Without love without trust without faith
Without God
Shackled to a fate worse than death its the walking dead alive and kicking
My ass at every turn
They could smell the fear but no more
I saw so much of myself in her that I fought to keep a connection while watching it slowly fade
You see, she wanted what i couldn't give
And when I tried
To fix what I had broken the pieces were scattered so far
Where did the shatter fall?
Where did the cracking start?
The latter is all I can comprehend cause I broke another heart
My own and hers
All because I couldn't come face to face with what I'd done
Who I was
I held on
Til I choked the love out of her
And she died alone
And I died alone
Tossing and turning in my bed haunted by dreams I can clearly remember
Because they weren't dreams
It was the darkness of what I'd done
Killed something almost as precious as life
Love
Why?
Confession?
Fear the size of a mustard seed can change around your whole reality
believe that up is down
Pull your feet opposite of gravity
What will you believe?
What will you achieve?
When faced with a black face with no features whispering nightmares above your screams
That those thoughts you have
On both ends of the spectrum are both true
Are both you and now you've got to make a choice
It's either them or you
How do you choose?
Do you win
Or do you lose?
5/7/12
Smoke signals
Our communication ain't great
Most times my brain cant send the right waves down the chain of phonetic command
& I say some shit I don't mean
So now
I just send smoke signals
Carefully veiled raging fires of emotions & desires manipulated by a blanket
Or quilt
Pieced together with screenshots & soundbites of our times together
Actual & perceived
Cause our memories are a mixed bag of red & white grapes with & without seeds
Some turned sour & some stayed sweet
In the space between me & you & the conjoined we
See it's the distance I feel when I sit quiet
Contemplative
Alone
Thinking about how much things have changed
Grown
When I looked myself in the mirror & turned to stone
Cold when you held out your heart for me to hold
See I'm no good with subtle declarations of love
When blame is all I keep thinking of
I had to adele my oceans of regret and set fire to the rain
Molded the clouds to say
Hey
My head is big
Full of thoughts that refrain I miss everything
Now my main impropriety is in my mind I've tried to put out the pain
But all that's made is more & more smoke signals from the flames
Sycamore forests of walls I burnt to the ground
To send cloudy messages past your bedroom window
Check the skies
I left a secret under the stars for you
The plumes are playing that one scene from that one movie about me & you
I know you'll recognize remember
Every night I watch replays of you in the moon
& chase clouds wondering if that one is mine
If it's from you
If it is what do I do?
How do I respond without sounding too uncool?
Hey
How are you?
Id like to see your face sometime soon
Was that too premature
Well fuck it I already released the fumes & then choked
It's no wonder we grow close under the marijuana smoke
We trade red-eyed stares & you place your fears in my lap
I swear
I'll close my eyes every time you lean close to give & take my breath away
Exchange toke for toke & let the smoke stand in my place
I'm sorry I missed your last message
I was staring at the sun
Reading the flares
Daring me to send you that tethered cloud
Suspended in the air above my single space
The one I've kept behind my back that reads I still love you
Some messages are harder to transmit
Or maybe it's just my inability to communicate
Lost self-confidence in my competency to facilitate something other than an argument
Or misunderstanding
A smoke signal is the most direct I can get
Wishing on stars that the clouds can do the talking
& tell you. . .
3/22/12
Pictures
The memories fall like morning mist
The images don't feel like hard rain anymore
akin to condensation off the pictures of you and me embraced
Your smiles held captive by the captions of things untyped and unsaid
You were always a hard read
But not in those pictures
Where you laid your soul beside me on our hotel bed of roses
No other softer
Regality not lost but expounded in your postures playful
Embraces I wished I never unfurled cause my body whimpers for your gentle press
Delicate caress
I digress in the tenderness of live action kisses we shared as recently as the last time I transported myself to a moment we indulged our instincts and senses
Sweet
Long or painfully brief
The pictures paint away the grief of reality
I'm a lover first
So I keep your pictures to flip through like leaves rustling in the wind
Or morning dew beaded on grass
Every turn is a whispered I miss you
I'm sure you can't hear
Melancholy are the sounds
Longing to reach into the past for the feeling
Of laughter between sheets
The heat of passionate thoughts restrained
Displayed in fingertip drawings on body parts
I digress
Often into the pictures of you and me embraced
Unlaced cause I wish I never unfurled my arms around your waist to let you go
The memories fall like morning mist
And gather in puddles at the end of my pen
At the corners of my eyes
My mouth
To fall no longer like hard rain
Single drops
Single shots
I took with a camera