Ice cold

*suggested music: Tori Kelly's Stained

My hands have begun to crave your touch like I am draining without your skin on mine
I settle for your lips
And you kiss me like IVs
Like I can feel your wanting and I'm here
Its not my intention to fall in love with you
This big heart you claim I have turned to stone when I looked and loved too many Medusas
How dare you
Wrap your arms around my concrete
You don't know what it took for me to be ok with that cold
I had finally become comfortable in the not feeling
The not loving
The not dreaming
I've stopped talking in the future tense
I prefer moments to eternity
Eternity is squeezing you tight til we astral project this reality and I can feel you breathing inside of my chest
That's what intimacy with you feels like
I love it
More than I love you
But that is shifting the longer you contend to stay and deal with my bullshit
The longer you pretend to not feel me pushing you away
I will love you like you love me like after school
Like full speed bike rides through soft gravel
She's not afraid to fall and skin her needs on my sand
I've counted your scars and I don't wanna be your salve
A bandaid you neatly fold and throw away when you are healed
Or take off when your subconscious decides that wound needs air
Stop making me need you
Keep your saline kisses
I like my cold
I would rather lay in bed
Surrounding myself with the exhale of thoughts from people who will never know what they mean to me
How much I bask in their light because I love the heat of their sun
Its safer that way
Knowing that the smoke will dissipate
Its not supposed to stay
I don't want to love the semi-permanent you
The promised love that will stay
Until
Until the moment it doesn't
And the world turns cold
Dark
No, I want sun on my skin
And to keep my cold within